Uncomplicating What A Man Wants In Relationship
A must read for women wondering about the men in their lives!
Every day, no matter where one looks on this planet, men and women are drawn together by an attraction that is as confusing as it is exciting. Through some blend of chemical and physical explosion the miracle of relationship happens; what keeps a man interested in a particular woman and a woman interested in a particular man longer term is as confounding to many of us as what drew these couples together in the first place. With divorce rates skyrocketing around the globe, one has to think there must be some answers as to why men and women just aren’t staying together any more. It seems that a lot has been written in regards to what a woman’s needs in a relationship are. Possibly, not as much has been written about the needs of a man. With that said, make no mistake, a man does have needs; and if those needs are not met it’s more than likely the relationship he is in will surely fail. So ladies, if you are hoping to stay in a relationship with a man for the long haul here are some things to consider – from a man’s perspective.
Respect, Praise & Approval Are Key
Many women may not have spent a lot of time thinking about this, but for many men sex does not rank as the number one need in a relationship. How cute you are, how physically attractive you are only get’s you so far down the road with most men. It’s interesting to note that research shows the needs to be respected, get praised and have the approval of the woman in their lives ranks far higher than physical sex for most men. In fact, for many men the level of sexual satisfaction they achieve in a relationship is usually directly related to how closely connected they are with the lady in their life. It may sound silly – even boyish — but a man needs to know he’s well thought of by the lady in his life before he will emotionally connect with her and enjoy an amazing relationship and the side benefits of awesome sex.
On the other hand, if a man feels like the woman in his life disapproves of him, his career, or the things that he believes are integral to who he is as a person, he’ll have a hard time trusting, loving and investing deeply in the relationship long-term, and that lack of investment certainly has a way of limiting the sexuality that occurs between the couple over the course of the long haul. The thought process behind this, researchers state, is that “If she doesn’t respect who I am at my core, then how can she really want what is best for me? How can I trust her with me?” And insecurity leads to shallow relationships in every way.
It’s really quit simple: if a man’s partner does not respect, praise and approve of his path or mission in life, then, over time, he will find it very difficult to feel anything other than an anxious need to distance himself from you no matter how good you look, how great you cook, what interests you try to explore with him, and no matter how hard you try to win him over sexually.
A Sense Of Sexual Connection Is Important
It’s generally understood that men and women both connect through sex and communication, but generally research shows that women connect better through verbal communication and men connect better through the physical language of sex.
Does this mean that men need to have sex with their intimate partners every day in order to feel connected? Not at all. In fact, research shows that more often than not, men connect through indicators of sexuality just as much as they do through the physical act of having intercourse.
If you take a second to think about this ladies, often a man will initiate sex just to make sure that you are still sexually available to him. So, if he stops the car in the driveway and pulls you close for a warm kiss, or comes up behind you at a party and wraps his arms around you, or reaches across the bed for you in the night for a snuggle, you have to understand he’s looking for how available you are to him. If he feels you are available to him his confidence in the relationship grows and no matter if those moments lead to an intimate time together that day or in days to come, the intimacy will be heightened because you’ve shown him you are interested in him, you are available to him above all other men and that’s sexy and interesting! Being interesting to your man opens up communication lines that would otherwise not be open. That might be hard to understand, but closeness has a way of opening up a man’s desire to communicate. Happiness, self-confidence, feeling safe, allows a man to open up and communicate more readily than when he is questioning the relationship he is in. It’s a win-win combination that can lead to an exciting, long-term relationship.
This lack of awareness around women needing to connect through words and men needing to connect through sex can sometimes turn into an unfortunate downward spiral. A woman may not feel like opening up sexually until she feels connected to him, but he finds it difficult to communicate with her because they haven’t been physical with each other in days. It truly is the yin and the yang of relationship development. Hopefully, by each person thinking through the other person’s perspective a successful understanding will come about, and the opportunity for an amazing, long-term relationship will present itself.
Maybe the best advice I can think of is to talk with your partner and ask what specifically helps them feel the most loved so you can avoid unintentional standoffs and close the relational distance between you.
From a very young age, men are taught to avoid appearing weak at all costs. Perceived “weaknesses” include things like complaining, divulging fears or concerns and expressing self-doubt or worry. The fact is, a man’s partner is his safe space to fall. He can expose the cracks in his armour and allow his partner to help him heal. This is a powerful position to hold in a man’s life; few people will ever get to see the inner workings of his life, and the best thing you can do is to accept and cherish this role, because it may just be the most vulnerable your man will ever be with anyone in his life. It’s a great honour to be THE person who is allowed into the inner sanctum of your man’s life. And with great honour comes great responsibility, so cherish the role, and protect and honour the sensitivity of the position you hold. Trust is everything in a relationship and for a man to trust you with his weakest moments, his fears, his doubts, means that he has opened up to you like he probably has not and will not open up to the rest of the world. Be careful with his trust, and by safe-keeping his trust you will become desirable to him long-term. Remember – just as most women need to slowly open up sexually within a relationship, men open up slowly over time emotionally.
Sustaining A Tribe
Author Deborah Tannen has written brilliantly on the masculine and feminine divide between independence and intimacy (masculine being primarily drawn towards independence and the feminine toward intimacy).
Having read Deborah’s book, and watched relationships grow around me over the past several decades, the one thing I have consistently witnessed is the need for men to sustain a tribe within their lives. For the most part men need relationships and activities outside of their “significant others” relationship. More often than not when a woman fails to provide a man room to breathe and hang out and just be a guy is when a man becomes restless and begins to pull away. He needs guy time! Huntin’, fishin’, sports, or whatever it is that he and his buddies, or he and his dad, or brothers or family, have done over the years (within reason of course), he needs to still feel connected to his tribe. If you are the reason he can’t connect with his tribe, you become a negative, and relationship trouble is sure to follow.
So let your man roam. Let him breathe. Leave him to his own devices. And you roam as well. Get out with your friends and family and breathe as well. A little distance from one another often heightens the desire of returning back to one another at the end of a day or a long weekend. It keeps a freshness to your relationship and throws a fire on the sexual desire.
Obviously there is no silver bullet to guarantee any relationship will last. It does seem to me, though, that there are key opportunities for a man and a woman to strengthen their relationship emotionally and physically to create an impenetrable relationship shield and allow them to be successful together for a life time. Much of the work needing to be done to secure a strong and successful relationship together revolves around the willingness of both the man and the woman to accept each other for who they are. Men have a certain set of common DNA traits as do most women. Our love languages have similarities and differences and our ability to truly diagnose what our partner’s needs are and work to meet those needs more than likely will be the difference between a relationship that does not meet one another's needs emotionally and sexually or one that exceeds our wildest dreams of what it means to be together in life.
Take some time to think about it.
All the best.